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Five Insane Petty Crimes Committed by North Korea

5 Insane Petty Crimes Committed by North Korea

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North Korea’s policies, attempts at reclame, and even elementary children’s cartoons are a crash course ter the kleintje of absurdity that would be hilarious if it wasn’t so tragic. Thanks to its astounding madness (and, you know, all the human rights manhandle and stuff), the land of Kim Jong-un likes a healthy reputation spil something of a criminal country te the eyes of, well, pretty much everyone else.

But have you everzwijn wondered what zuigeling of criminal a country spil inane spil North Korea can possibly be? Because while Kim and his cronies indeed dabble te many dubious activities, they’re less of a James Unie supervillain and more of a small-time crook ter an Elmore Leonard novel, pitifully scheming their way through life ter a series of increasingly desperate cons and schemes. Like .

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Quick: Your time is running out, everyone’s against you, and you’ve got throats to feed. You have nothing left to lose — what do you do?

It depends on whether you have a pork pie hat or a Wookiee.

If you’re Walter White, you embark upon a life of crime and commence making crystal meth. If you’re Kim Jong-un, you . do the precies same goddamn thing, actually. Yes, the Dear Leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea is looking for revenue te the same way desperate fictional chemistry teachers and uncountable real-life criminals of the wife-beater-and-missing-teeth multiplicity do. This is one of the many reasons Kim Jong-un has his trusty Office 39.

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No one outside North Korea truly knows what Office 39 is. It may be an actual office, or a massive schrijftafel, or just some random roofless slagroom that is packed with pigeon poop. Even the number 39 is an educated guess rather than a confirmed code. All wij know about Office 39 is that it’s a government sanctioned shadow organization dedicated entirely to one mission: shenanigans. And among other things, Office 39 is suspected of manufacturing toughly 600 pounds of crystal methamphetamine every year and selling the shit out of it.

Michael Buckner/Getty Pictures Entertainment/Getty

Pfft, Heisenberg knocked that out every two weeks.

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Spil one would expect, the North Korean government officially claims absolutely no involvement ter the manufacture and sale of methamphetamine. They would especially like to point out that they know nothing of the 40 pounds of 99 procent zuivere crystal meth that were confiscated te a drug bust last November te Seoul, South Korea. You know, the meth that the dealers explicitly retrieved from a North Korean warehouse just before selling it to an undercover DEA smeris.

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If you think that toneel from a bad cop movie wasgoed just a fluke and North Korea usually treats its drug dealings with rather more tact, well, clearly you toevluchthaven’t bot paying attention to the country’s antics. They’re carrying their wannabe drug kingpinship like they’re a two-bit biker tempo from the 1980s. Their strategy of drug distribution is throwing giant bags of meth at a bunch of their diplomats and ordering them to sell $300,000 worth of the stuff “to prove their loyalty and mark the bday of nation founder Kim Il-sung.” They literally expect their foreign representatives to feast a former dictator’s bday with the joyous task of peddling hard drugs ter addition to whatever it is North Korean diplomats normally do (sulk te the corner at international meetings?). Reports don’t state how well the diplomats generally perform te their task, but wij think it’s fair to assume they are remarkably popular at parties.

Guang Niu/Getty Photos News/Getty Pics

“Are you staring at my rock, or my man-meat?”

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When a country’s entire staatsbestel turns to crime, there are many fearsome roads it can take. War crimes? Why, undoubtedly! Large-scale oppression? Totally ter the cards. International insurance fraud? Uh . sure, North Korea. Whatever floats your boat.

It’s no coincidence that North Korea is the world’s largest importer of neck braces.

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Meet Korea National Insurance Corp., the world’s only government-sanctioned agency that specializes te the kleintje of crime your grandmother might attempt when she doesn’t fairly reminisce where she parked the Segway. Te 2003 alone, this state-owned monopoly cheated insurance agencies from all overheen the world out of millions of dollars with various bogus claims. The $20 million it gained wasgoed plunged into duffel bags spil, yes, a bday bounty to Kim Jong-il, then leader of North Korea. A duo years straks, a strongly insured helicopter conveniently crashed into an even more strongly insured government warehouse te Pyongyang, resulting ter a $58 million payout from Lloyd’s of London and several other agencies. Of course, everyone instantaneously assumed the “accident” wasgoed staged, but what can you do when the entire bureaucratic system of a goddamn country crosses its heart and vows to diegene if it didn’t toebijten the way they say it did?

The way North Korea managed to set up insurance companies is actually pretty clever: To do business with them, you have to sign a waiver agreeing to abide by any and all North Korean laws no matter the circumstances, even if, spil many companies found out way too late, said circumstances actively enable state-sanctioned insurance fraud. Dispersed by their boner to secure the market of an entire country, many insurance firms accepted thesis terms — and spil a result, it’s almost unlikely to determine how much money North Korea has conned out of them, simply because the companies are too ashamed to disclose their losses.

“Man, this is embarrassing . just waterput it under ‘miscellaneous hooker theft.'”

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